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So I decided that I'm NOT gonna post a status explaining why I've been feeling the way that I have and why I've been depressed if anyone would like to talk about it with me pm me. But I wanna clear up something earlier I had said I was envious and depressed bc of my friends all succeeding and starting family's and marriages let me correct my wording. I envy you all bc you all have accomplished so much and u have beautiful babies and I never got that .. I lost my little angels n it physically hurts to see a new baby n see that mother's bond. N I envy that I hope I'll get that in due time. N I hope marriage is something I get to experience, n that I succeed at it I realize I'm thankful I didn't marry young bc my exes was not the ones I'd have made it to forever with. N I am also thankful Brandon n I didn't n haven't jumped n got married bc I was thinking back n we had MANY talks about marriage, n how we want life to be while married, n before we get married we set goals n if we can't even work to accomplish small term goals to lead to the reward of being married to my love, soulmate,best friend and the one who loves me like I've never been loved then there's No way we'd be determined enough to put the lifelong work into making a marriage succeed. So to all my friends n family whose married ,Prego, or a parent already I truly am happy n thankful God blessed the ones I love with these gifts in life. And I hope one day I'll be lucky enough to get these blessings. But I know.first I got to let go of the envy, the hurt, and negativity and let go of my past and things I lost bc I cannot control things and I got to embrace the new days ahead and work on me, and take time to be happy and soak in the beautiful things sent here to be admired such as a blue sky with fluffy clouds,green grass, red and yellow autumn leaves,flowers,rainbows, butterflies,a brand new baby , a beautiful bride, and a perfect white wedding, art, the way colors are so much brighter when you have seen and felt love it's seeing happiness on your families face ,puppy's n kittens,Christmas lights,candle light glowing, the smile on your child's face bc of u, nd the simple pieces of artwork from your children or their crafts n I got to take all the negatives I've experienced n the hurt n the loss n think of a positive reasons for all the bads n accept that God may have taken very important things n ppl from me but it built me to toughen up n is showing me to not be bitter n angry to long n let it all go n to be happy for others esp my loved ones,be happy and joyful when they r coming to me to share their happiness and to count their blessings bc I am not the only person that's suffered pain n had emptiness and wanted the same things I do and they was fortunate enough to get it n beat the negativity n chains holding them down so to my friends building your life I'm so proud of u and I'm sorry if I displayed Envy or jealousy and made u feel guilty for the good u have been blessed with n I'm fortunate to have you share your family with me n let me b apart of your child's life. N I support u n your decisions n I'll be there helping u build your life with every brick I'll b there handing it to u n supportful of where u decide to place it I have ALWAYS prayed for my family n friends to b happy n full filled n after the death of my best friend I should know that life can be cut short in an instant so I'm glad some of you guys r experiencing the gifts of life. Although I don't have my babies here I got the opportunity to feel the joy of a positive pregnancy test , and hear a tiny heart beat beating under mine, and see my little prince on an ultrasound screen and feel how it feels to cry bc of happiness n love someone I never met n feel lil kicks n flutters from a life I created. N although I had lost my baby boy Christian Scott i got to experience all that again n even got to experience a baby shower for me n I got set the baby room up n I lost my lil rainbow baby Brandon gray jr. But I was STILL blessed to experience pregnancy n blessed to b a mommy to two heavenly Angels n I'm a step mom to a 3 year old princess n I dress her up n do her hair n I take care of her n love her as much as I do my son's yes I may have never been married yet n I have loved n lost more then once but I got blessed with an amazing man whose loved me so much more than I deserve and he at least made me his fiance' and he was married but separated so I'm glad in a way bc we couldn't rush into marriage we had a chance to plan our life n get to know each other flaws n all n he's divorced now so maybe it's my turn soon.. n I'm not rich but I'm blessed with a nice home n a car n I don't starve or freeze n I help all I can so I hope I get blessed with God's gifts when it's Time burgundy bridesmaid dresses long